Today is the day! We find out if this round of IUI produced a healthy pregnancy or not. I am writing this post on the day of the test - Monday, 5/5/14. But it is on a timer not to post until July 22nd. Because this blog is also a diary of sorts and I want to have a log of all my feelings and results, but I also am cautious and know people may read this and we don't want anyone knowing the results too soon in case there are complications. And July 22nd is the date we intend to go public on social media. So if you're reading this before our intended July 22nd posting date, then things have not turned out as we had hoped, but we still want to share our journey and feelings...
I'm nervous, hopeful, and scared to death. I had my blood draw at 7:45 this morning and we hope to hear by 3:30 today. Longest...hours...ever... I'll be honest. I cheated this morning and peed on a stick. A very, very, very faint line appeared. I mean - VERY faint! But it was there. But the fact that it was so light is what makes me even more nervous. That it could be an ectopic or a miscarriage. Those are my biggest fears... I've said this before. I can handle a clear negative result better than I can another ectopic and/or miscarriage. God has His hand in this - that we know!
UPDATE 5/5/14: I got the call I was dreading. My beta HCG numbers were 9.8, which is positive. But that is also very, very, very low. So we're in that state of "limbo" I feared. Will return this Thursday for a recheck, but I'm feeling down about it. God has this - this we know - but the anxiety of not knowing anything definite is still there.
UPDATE 5/8/14: It has been 3 days since our first beta blood test. Today was a recheck to see if the numbers doubled (they should double every 48-72 hours). It has been 72 hours since my last check and the numbers did more than double - they went up by almost 5 times. They are 48.4 right now. We serve a mighty God who has His hand in this. We find comfort and peace in that knowledge. Even though I'm still nervous, and still anxious, I have more of a peace about me. That comes from nowhere but Christ. I have doubted and fallen, but He has not left me. I am nowhere near willing to get excited or happy about this...we've been through too much. But I will find the peace that passes all understanding for the next week. My next check is 5/15.
UPDATE 5/13/14: I haven't updated in a few days. I guess because nothing has changed. We're having to live our life, day-to-day with this "unknowing" upon us. I've managed to stay busy, keeping my mind off it all as much as possible, and also I've stayed relatively calm. I'm not exactly sure why - it could be that I'm "pessimistically realistic" (yes, that's a phrase I just made up!) about this and refuse to believe that this pregnancy will end up healthy and successful in the end so I'm not expecting good news anyway. But I want to think it is because I have
let go and decided that at this point, there is absolutely nothing I can do, so I have to
let God guide me on this one. I think I am experiencing the "peace that passes all understanding". Don't get me wrong - I'm still scared of what Thursday's outcome will be - but I also have to know that we have done everything we could to make this pregnancy healthy and successful. But it's really been up to God this whole time. And we have to be at peace with that...there's really no other way to be. Additionally, we have been dealing with the heartbreak of Jay's grandmother. After a long time of physical discomfort from her falls and surgeries, to mental confusion from her dementia, she took a drastic turn following a fall and subsequent surgery on May 2nd. Her life is slowly coming to a sudden end, and it is difficult for all. It is difficult for his mom, seeing her own mother like this; it is difficult for Jay seeing his precious grandmother at the end; and it is difficult for me to see both of them so upset. It could be a few more days, it could be a week, but we continue to just not know. As with everything...the not knowing is the hardest part...
UPDATE 5/15/14: It is with heavy heart that I am writing that Jay's precious grandmother passed away this morning. But we can feel relief in knowing she has no pain, no confusion, with a perfect body and mind celebrating in Heaven with the Lord! As Christians, we know death is not the end because Jesus conquered the grave!
But with sadness, we can also find JOY! And our joy right now is that my beta HCG numbers went up to 889.6! YES!!! This is the highest I have ever seen them. With our ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage, they never got over 450. So I am feeling infinitely better this time around. We are not out of the woods yet, though. My first ultra sound appointment, which will be the REAL test, is a week from today - 5/22. We'll know for sure then if this is a viable pregnancy! We serve an AWESOME and MOST HOLY GOD who has a plan laid out for us. Trusting His path is hard and painful sometimes, but He is faithful. I am in awe at His timing. Even though we still have some fear about another loss, God has this. We will be joyful no matter what. But for now - we're EXCITED!
UPDATE 5/20/14: Based on pregnancy dating, I am 6 weeks pregnant today. But our ultrasound isn't until Thursday. The waiting is excruciating. How in the world am I supposed to wait another 2 days? I have had days where I feel like there's no doubt I'm pregnant. Other days feel like a normal day. Yesterday was one of those days where it felt like a normal day. I wasn't overly tired, nothing seemed odd. But Sunday was one of those days where I just "felt" pregnant. After sleeping 10 sound hours Saturday night we went to church and lunch. I came home and had a long, 2.5 hour nap. Then went right back to sleep at 9:30 and didn't move until 6:30 the next morning. I've had no nausea, but have had these kind of cramping sensations on and off since a week after the IUI. Lately, they have become a little more intense than before. Nothing that has been worth calling the doctor over, but still noticeable. Of course, these pinching cramps are what I experienced with our ectopic, which does have me concerned. But we'll know soon enough on Thursday. I just keep praying that God's will be done and that He help me accept what is going to happen and be joyful and thankful no matter what!
UPDATE 5/22/14: GOD IS FAITHFUL AND AMAZING!!!!!! We have a tiny little baby with a heartbeat! Today we saw the little miracle just pumping away for the first time. I'll be honest. I burst into tears of joy. We serve an incredible God who knows our every fiber of being. He knew back in December/January that the timing wasn't right for us. He knew we needed 3 months to be forced to wait. I went through anger and anxiety back in January. I was hurt and confused as to why we had to suffer. I questioned God. I was wrong. We are overwhelmed by God's blessings. We are in no way out of the woods yet, but we crossed a major hurdle today in that 1) it was not in my tube and 2) it has a heartbeat already! We will continue to be monitored at ART through 10 weeks. Between 11 and 13 weeks, we'll have a first trimester screening. Our major concern right now is getting my blood pressure down. It has been pretty high - I'm not sure yet if it's from my nerves, or from an actual issue, but we're not going to chance it. I'll see my regular doctor today and we'll lay out a plan from there. We continue to pray for God's continued blessings and guidance through this! We have pure JOY right now! Here's our little jelly bean's first photo:
UPDATE 5/29/14: What a week! It's been like a dream mostly... We saw the precious babe snuggled up in there this morning with the heartbeat still just fluttering away. And he's grown (I'm calling it a he for now because I hate the word "it") to .86 cm and measuring 6w6d (6 weeks, 6 days). This puts our due date at January 16th - just 7.5 months away. Wow! Everything looked really good and my NP, Nancy, was just thrilled for us. I started medication (methyldopa) last week for blood pressure. Good news today - it was down to 128/78 and we're confident it was just elevated a little because I was at the doctor's office. So we're thrilled! Still a little cautious, but excited! We know God will continue to light our path as we continue on our journey. We're so thankful that He has allowed us to experience this and we will continue to thank Him and ask His blessings for a safe pregnancy and healthy baby. Our next appointment is next Thursday. Here's our photo from today. I can definitely see growth!
UPDATE 6/5/14: Every day I'm in awe of this journey we have been allowed to go on. God is so amazing and I find myself daily thinking I am so unworthy of His blessings. But so incredibly thankful of this life that I am allowed to take care of. A life that He is knitting together perfectly in me. I'm still just absolutely amazed that there is another heart beating inside me. Incredible! The miracle of life is truly that...a miracle. We continue to pray daily for a healthy babe. We have our First Trimester Screening scheduled for July 3. I am hopeful that we will be able to determine the gender. Keeping our fingers crossed! Today we measured 1.89 cm from head to rump, which is on track for 8w3d (8 weeks 3 days). We see arm buds starting to appear. And we finally got to HEAR the sweet heartbeat! It was racing along at 176 beats per minute. Wow!!! We've started numerous nicknames: the nugget, the Webblet, the gummy bear. Here's today's photo - what a difference a week makes!
UPDATE 6/12/14: I can't believe we're already at 9 weeks. When they say the time flies - it flies! It's hard to remember how over 5 weeks ago we got the call that our beta numbers were very low and we were mentally preparing ourselves for another ectopic pregnancy. We relied on God to carry us through those first few weeks of the unknown. And carry us He did. I still have a hard time fathoming His sovereignty in everything. And to know He has never faltered and never left me, even when I hit low points and was frustrated and asked why. He continued to knit this little life together inside me all the while, forcing me to be patient. Forcing me to cry out to Him. I have still have fears...fears something will be discovered at the First Trimester Screening, fears I won't carry to term, fears for my own health, fears for the financial responsibility of a child...and hundreds more! But my faith will sustain me. And I'm so thankful that I get to see this precious life every week right now. Next Tuesday, 6/17, will be my last day at ART and a bittersweet one at that. But today...today we got to see the precious babe again and hear that sweet heartbeat again! It was 190 - whoa mama! Hopefully that's the highest it gets... And here's our photo of the week!
And I wanted to do a progression picture to see the growth! Here it is:
UPDATE 6/17/14: It was a bittersweet day today. It was our release day from the ART Program of Alabama and the sweet ladies who cried with us when we received devastating news in January and cried tears of joy with us in May when we saw our sweet baby's heartbeat for the first time. I am forever thankful for Ms. Nancy, Ms. Terry and Ms. Mary and all of their support and love. They are one-of-a-kind. It was hard to tell them goodbye, but I assured them I would pop in from time-to-time and they got me into a big ball of tears when they showed me the little spot on their bulletin board they had made for OUR baby's picture. Wow!!! But it was exciting to know that things are going well enough to release us to my ObGyn. We have our first appointment with her in a week on 6/24 and then our First Trimester Screening is July 3. I am probably most nervous for the First Tri Screening. Just worried that problems will be found. But our God is bigger than that and my trust and faith relies in Him and this journey He already has us on. His plans for us were set in motion before we were even born. I prayed during all of our treatments that God would just bless us with a healthy baby. I didn't care about gender, I just wanted a healthy baby. One we could love and cherish and raise to love the Lord. As we watch our dream come true, I can't help but be emotional and overwhelmed... As this post gets a mere 3 weeks from posting, we just pray God continues to light our path and lead us. Here is this week's picture. Seeing him kick and move around was surreal and amazing!!!
UPDATE 6/24/14: Today was our first appointment with my OB. For some reason, I still get nervous for an ultrasound...like I don't believe he/she is really in there! But there he was...kicking and squirming away! Everything looked perfect, which was a relief! She even let us "sneak a peek" using 3D ultrasound, which was crazy! That picture is the one below. Of course I was so overwhelmed with the whole 2 hours appointment that I forgot to ask about when I can stop the Progesterone. Yes, I'm still taking those pesky things 3 times a day! It really is a pain...all you have had to do them understand...especially since the pills aren't oral! Eeek! I'm not complaining...but I'll be excited when that phase is over! We'll go every 4 weeks through the 2nd trimester, then every 2 weeks until we hit 36 weeks, where we'll go every week. It's hard to believe this appointment was at 11 weeks...the time really is flying by! Our next appointment is July 3 for the First Trimester Screening...then we won't see the Nugget until July 22nd! What am I going to do?!?! I'm of course nervous and anxious about the screen...wanting everything to be OK and there not to be any markers of a problem. Of course, there are both false positives and false negatives with these things, but hopefully it will put my nervous mind at ease... Will update on the 3rd!
UPDATE 7/3/14: I was nervous as a cat for this screening! I think I had spent too much time on the internet and had freaked myself out. We know there are always false negatives along with false positives, but we are breathing a sigh of relief and thanking the Lord that everything looked normal on ultrasound! All the measurements, blood flow to the heart, etc. looked wonderful. I chastised myself for not having full, 100% faith and trust in God. He makes no mistakes and is hard at work piecing together a sweet baby. My mom got to go with us to this appointment, which was wonderful! She loved seeing the Nugget squirming away on the screen. We finally have what looks like baby now (and not an alien)! With a sweet profile and everything. I can't wait to kiss that sweet little nose!!! We also found out the gender at this appointment. Even though we are only 12 weeks, she was 80% positive. Since there's still a little 20% chance she's wrong, we aren't going public with that news just yet! We just continue to pray everything progresses as it should and everyone stays healthy. Praise the Lord for all of it!
UPDATE 7/8/14: So since we're out of the "lots of ultrasounds" phase, I'll probably just be making weekly posts about what's going on, what size the baby is, any cravings, exciting milestones, etc. Of course, after July 22nd, they will each be in their own post! :) So here we are now:
Weeks: 13 (last week of First Trimester - holy cow!)
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Size: According to one app, the length of a green bean; the other says a jalapeno.
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Sleep: I wake up a lot to go to the bathroom. I used to NEVER wake up in the middle of the night, and now it's 2-3 times minimum. And I'm having a hard time sleeping on my side. I prefer my back, but since that's a no-no, I'm sleeping on my stomach since it's still comfortable.
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Feeling: Still no sickness! Never got sick - nauseous a few times, but never threw up. Fatigue is definitely getting better. I still like a nap on the weekends and I'm ready for bed by 9:00 or 9:30, but the overwhelming exhaustion seems to have passed.
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Showing: Nope! Not even a little bit! Although I'm definitely bloated, which just makes my stomach look fat. Ha!
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Milestone: Set up a Babies R Us registry will some gender neutral basics.
UPDATE 7/22/14: I haven't updated in two weeks!! A beach vacation happened in there, which was wonderful! We saw our sweet baby again today. This is the last time we'll see him/her until 20 weeks! That's 5 weeks away! I may have to cheat and go to an ultrasound boutique and pay and dumb amount of money... We did an early gender scan today and it was completely opposite of what the guess was at the 12-week 1st Tri Screen. We were SHOCKED to say the least! We weren't really wishing for any one gender, but after finding out July 3rd, that's where our brains have been...on that one track. This was a different ultrasound tech, but she got about 10 different angles and each one showed the same thing...we'll wait and reveal when we know for SURE. Here's our update:
Weeks: 15
Size: An avocado from crown to rump (that's head to butt)
Sleep: Still going to the bathroom a lot...2-3 times/night. And now that I'm out of the first trimester, no sleeping on my back, which is REALLY hard for me.
Feeling: Pretty great still! Happy to have a healthy, growing baby in there!
Showing: Not yet! I'm OK with that. All pre-pregnancy pants still fit and zip! :)
Milestone: Hitting the second trimester!!! And possibly knowing the gender...hopefully we'll know more soon! I just have to talk Jay into letting me spend a little moolah to check!
Now that this post is live, welcome to our world!!! We are so thankful to God for this journey. It's still hard to believe how blessed we are right now... He is good and He is faithful...all the time!
